December 25, 2009	Satire That Fits Your Lifestyle	Satire You Can Believe In

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Offend-O-Meter 3000 Offend-O-Meter 3000 Your helpful guide to the content on Confusion Road! 1 = Least Offensive 5 = Most Offensive Article Offensiveness Rating Possibly Offensive Terms Used May Be Offensive To... World Leaders Agree: Earth Has a Climate "come" George Will Glenn Beck Mexicans Defective M&Ms Could Melt In Your Hands "Oral Liquefication" "premature release" E.T. Eminem It's Time To Put My Five-State Killing Spree Behind Us "bare" "end" "come together" Barack Obama stranglers Obama Launches Economic Reassurance Plan "stimulate" Scrooge Steve Jobs Bogus Trend Stories Taking Journalism By Storm "massive surge" Naked Swiss Alps hikers Koala bears Rorschach Stock Market Hits Lowest Level Since 1066 "hitting bottom" "beating" Harold Godwinson Larry Springs sheep Broad Generalizations Usually Wrong, Study Shows "manipulation" "slippery" Broads Generals Perry DeAngelis (rest in peace) I Believe That Children Are The Future, And That Is Why I Am An Illegal Downloader "hole" Godwin Winston Smith John Ashcroft I Am Only A Murderer From Your Limited Western Point Of View "head" "long" Buddha Shiva John Ashcroft Experts Fear Outbreak of 'Cry Wolf Syndrome' "urge" "ravages" "hard" Wolf Blitzer Gerald Ford Aesop John Ashcroft Anna Nicole's Lovers File Class-Action Paternity Suit "firm" "country" "come" The Tappet Brothers Rodney Dangerfield John Ashcroft Conspiracy Theorists Plotting World Domination "behind" "hard" Fox Mulder Dana Scully John Ashcroft Time Names Air 'Gas Of The Year' "organisms" "choice" "erupted" Eric Cartman Herbert Morrison John Ashcroft This Knitting Dispute Can Only Be Settled By Single Combat "come" "hardly" "curved blade" Pedro Samurai John Ashcroft Poll: Most Popular Tattoo Is Chinese Character For 'Unique' "beat out" "yang" "Hilary Duff" Leonard Shelby Lydia John Ashcroft Nation Drags Itself To Last Star Wars Movie "feeling" "behind" "deep" Ahmed Best Martin Sheen John Ashcroft A Breast Is A Terrible Thing To Waste "rack" "knockers" Plastic surgeons Bees John Ashcroft Women, Minorities Still Underperforming "behind" "crack" "broad" Lawrence Summers John Ashcroft I Really Showed Poor Judgment When I Murdered That Family of Six "long" "pull" "plugged" Albert DeSalvo Sandy Berger John Ashcroft Drudge Report Scoops Peter Jennings on Peter Jennings Cancer Story "Bush" Chewlies Gum salesmen John Ashcroft Pope Dies Without Explaining That Whole Trinity Thing "passed" "felt" "deep" Carrie Ann Moss Popes Clint Eastwood John Ashcroft Terri Schiavo Dies; Congress Orders Feeding Tube Reinserted "reinserted" broccoli spinach celery Baby-Doping On The Rise "harder" "teat" Tom Selleck Ted Danson Steve Guttenberg John Ashcroft Rumsfeld Constructs More Armor, Breaks Laws of Physics "bind" "long" Renowned physicists Lt. Commander Data John Ashcroft U.S. Soldiers Now Protected By Magnetic Ribbons "slapped" "body" Freedom-haters Tony Orlando John Ashcroft Doctors Say Self-Pity Is a Disease "bone" Woody Allen Dr. Phil John Ashcroft Bush Vows to Heal Rifts That Have Somehow Formed in Nation "deep" "split" Uniters Dividers John Ashcroft Bush Leads By 39 Points In Bush Dream World "pussy" "balls" "head" Fidel Castro babies Canadian pharmacists John Ashcroft This Kid Is Going To Pay For Itself In Ten Years "hard" businessmen mothers John Ashcroft Heartfelt Pleading Fails To Revive Dying Lover "wet" "felt" Neo John Ashcroft Bush Wins By 217 Points In Nation's First Computerized Election "tight" "memory hole" George Orwell Walter Mondale John Ashcroft Local Man Acquitted Of Crime, Probably Guilty Anyway "son of a bitch" "ass-rapings" O.J. Simpson Sacco Vanzetti John Ashcroft Viet Cong Veterans Denounce Kerry "come" "Bush" Col. Walter E. Kurtz Capt. Benjamin Willard John Ashcroft The McGreevey Scandal: The World Reacts "motherfucker" Moses Glapkorians John Ashcroft Dick Cheney Dies, Denies Dying "Dick" "spread" "Bush" Mark Twain Michael Moore John Ashcroft Our Goal Is To Give You the Best Possible Bank-Robbing Experience "stick" Robert Leroy Parker Harry Longbough John Ashcroft I'm A Strangler's Strangler "stick" Snipers Jame Gumb John Ashcroft I Was So Hammered When I Gave My Convention Speech "Goddamn" "fuck" "shit" Jim Beam polluters Crown Prince Abdullah John Ashcroft Study: Americans Shit Too Much "shit" "crap" "ball" Thomas Crapper Gilda Radner John Ashcroft Damn You And Your Bipartisan 9/11 Commission blow damn rectify Terrorists Commissioners John Ashcroft Fahrenheit 9/11 Is a Movie You Have To See While You're High "ass" "blown" "sucked" Freddy Newandyke Don Henley John Ashcroft Warning: This Movie Contains Opinions "pussy" "fuck" David Byrne Orson Welles John Ashcroft John Edward Dies, Can't Be Contacted "behind" "damn" Haley Joel Osment Ronald Reagan John Ashcroft I Haven't Gotten Laid Once During the Bush Administration "broad platform" "purple warrior" "country" Katie Penn Monica Lewinski John Ashcroft OK, People, How Are We Going To Spin This Reagan Death Thing? "damn" "bastard" Bolivian triplets Reds John Ashcroft You Guys Make Me So Proud "ass" "As-Sabur" infidels Christian babies John Ashcroft Your Defeatist Attitude Is Not Helping Us Get Off This Flaming 747 "hard" "stroke" Ted Striker Shirley John Ashcroft Kids These Days Don't Know the First Goddamn Thing About Conducting War Atrocities "Goddamn" "bastard" "shit" "fucking" gooks towelheads Butch Coolidge John Ashcroft Movie Review: 'Godsend' Explores Tough Issues of Cloned Demon-Children "slippery" Demons Mad scientists John Ashcroft 'Dr. Phil' Shot Dead In Homicidal Rampage "dick" "bastards" Harrison Ford Oprah Winfrey John Ashcroft Local Man Saving Beckham Joke For Someone Who'll Appreciate It "bend" "harder" "slipping" Philistines Pele John Ashcroft Let's See You Try Winning a War In Iraq "hell" Col. Nathan R. Jessep John Ashcroft Jesus Not Coming Back "shit" "piss" "fucking" Christians Andy Warhol PETA John Ashcroft Your Failure to Provide Me Health Care Is Morally Equivalent to Murder "Bush" murderers torturers rapists John Ashcroft Bush Planned Iraq War While Still in the Womb "Bush" "come" Puppets John Ashcroft Scientists Discover 'Free Will' Gene "balls" "grasp" "damn" Geddy Lee Mark Renton John Ashcroft 'Impossible Task Force' Not Accomplishing Anything "job" "grease" "member" Tom Cruise Horses Isaac Newton John Ashcroft Abortion Is a Private Choice Between a Woman and Her Fetus "sucked" Embryos Supreme Court justices John Ashcroft Trump 'Apprentices' Outsourced To India "twist" "hit" "positions" Indians Cowboys John Ashcroft A Massive Asteroid Impact Would Be Disastrous For The Black Community "hard" Bruce Willis Ben Affleck John Ashcroft Poll: Bush Leads Among 4-to-8-Year-Olds "underpants" "head" Janet Reno NASCAR dads John Ashcroft I Feel So Much Safer Now That Martha Stewart Is Off The Streets "slap" "laid off" Regis Emeril Oprah John Ashcroft How I Long For a Worthy Adversary! "staff" Rasputin Noam Chomsky John Ashcroft Founding Fathers Rise From Dead, Blast Nader "pissed" "crappy" "musket ball" Tories Sally Hemmings John Ashcroft Just My Luck - I'm Addicted To Crack! "crack" "job" "beat" Cruel, sadistic gods Crack addicts John Ashcroft Underachieving Ohio Sniper Only Has 1 Kill "racked" "loose" "Bushmaster" Squeaky Fromme Barry Pepper John Ashcroft Bush Vows To Bring Suicide Bombers To Justice "Bush" Suicide bombers John Ashcroft Thought Police Capture Hammer-Wielding Terrorist "Sex" George Orwell Emmanuel Goldstein John Ashcroft Grammy Awards Spotlight Obscure, Struggling Artists "in the rough" "hard" Trashy bimbos John Ashcroft Helpful Hints: How To...Talk To Your Kids About Janet Jackson's Breast "fag" "whore" "erection" "fuck" The babysitter Jesse Jackson John Ashcroft Historians Find Original Draft of 'I Have a Scream' Speech "son of a bitch" "autoerotic asphyxiation" Canadians William Shakespeare John Ashcroft Iraqis Demand Faster Transition To Ineffectual Pseudo-Democracy "lip service" "manipulate" Inept bureaucrats Ept bureaucrats Puppets John Ashcroft Mars Rover Will Tell Us: Are There Rocks and Dirt on Other Planets? "moist" "craggy" Dwayne Johnson David Spade Brian Regan John Ashcroft Jackson To Use 'Celebrity Insanity' Defense "spread" "Shaggy" "Pink" George Orwell Pet masseuses John Ashcroft I Sure Had to Suck a Lot of Dicks to Get My Own TV Show! "dick" "balls" "smoke the sausage" Everyone Tim Meadows John Ashcroft Exclusive: The Saddam Hussein Transcript "shithole" "fucked-up" Sarah Jessica Parker Dave McGinnis John Ashcroft Saddam Captured; Bush Screwup Team Kicks Into High Gear "screwup" "hard" "bullshit" good cops Hollywood extras John Ashcroft I've Been Trying to Surrender for the Last Three Months "Goddamn" "shit" U.S. Army Colonels John Ashcroft Experts Clash Over Kidnap Victim's Hotness "fuck" "dick" "shit" missing dumpy females John Ashcroft Return of the King Is the Greatest Movie Ever. I Can't Wait To See It! "hardcore" "penetrating" Francis Ford Coppola Mumakil John Ashcroft Bush Signs Forest-Prevention Bill "bushy" "gay" "prick" Heather Donahue David Byrne John Ashcroft New Battlestar Galactica To Suck In All-New Ways "crappy" "shitty" "donkey nuts" donkeys vapid underwear models John Ashcroft We Were Doing Well Until Bush Pulled That Thanksgiving Stunt "Damn" Satan Pilgrims John Ashcroft Family Killed By Malfunctioning Robotic Vacuum "sucking" HAL 9000 Isaac Asimov Al Gore John Ashcroft Aspiring Weatherman Flunks Gesturing Class "Goddamn" "gesticulation" "flaccid" Sam Champion Phil Connors John Ashcroft Dean Pussies Out "pussied out" "Negro" "fuck" Indignant Negroes The guys from Deliverance John Ashcroft Matrix Revolutions Declared a Partial-Birth Abortion "sucked" Fetuses George Lucas John Ashcroft Vote Rocked "hard" "slip" "shoved" Jack Black Dwayne Johnson John Ashcroft Scientists Announce New Advances in Keeping People Alive In Unconscious Vegetative State "organs" Kurt Cobain Laurence Fishburne Hitler John Ashcroft NASA Decides Failure Is An Option "hard" "easy" John F. Kennedy Dr. Emmett Brown John Ashcroft God Plays Dice with Universe, Loses "cocktail" "craps" Albert Einstein Carl Sagan John Ashcroft New $20 Bill Has Hidden Satanic Messages "bushy" Jesus Jack Walsh John Ashcroft Cubs Fan Proclaims Innocence, Vows To Find Real Interferer "ass prints" "Cochowitz" Lawyers Moises Alou John Ashcroft Bush Declares War in Iraq Still Over "blister" Abraham Lincoln Vikings John Ashcroft I Guess I'll Have To Use My Body To Make It In The Computer Business "FMP" "ass crack" Madonna Shirley John Ashcroft Queer Eye Viewer Turns Gay, Sues "fags" "queer" "punitive" Kyan Esquire readers John Ashcroft Bush Orders Purge of All Unnamed Officials "doggone" "leaks" Allium porrum Deep Throat John Ashcroft Men Still Jerks "assholes" "sweater puppy" men women John Ashcroft Californians Oust Schwarzenegger with Torches, Pitchforks "smear" Mel Brooks Boris Karloff John Ashcroft Save That Tiger! "fucking" Tiger Woods Winnie the Pooh John Ashcroft 49 States Laughing Their Asses Off "ass-grabbing" "fucking" Nazis John Ashcroft The Rush Limbaugh Controversy "asshole" "spearchucker" "jungle bunny" spearchuckers Geddy Lee John Ashcroft Friends To Spawn Half-Dozen Spinoffs "job" Brad Pitt John Ashcroft It's Not A Strip Club, It's A Mammary Appreciation Establishment "tittie bar" "hooters" "TF'ing" "knockers" Mammals Pinky John Ashcroft New Government Agency Is So Secret, It Is Unaware Of Its Own Existence "wedgie" tsetse flies Joseph Heller John Ashcroft Entertainment Party Wins Majority In Congress "gap" L. Ron Hubbard Martin Sheen John Ashcroft Ashcroft To Check Every American's Permanent Record "snot" "Cluck U." Jimmy Fallon Suzie Hampton John Ashcroft 18% Of Americans Still Not Sedated "members" "score" Joey Ramone Philip K. Dick John Ashcroft Why Will No One Take Me Seriously? "darn" Spanish prisoners Shirley John Ashcroft Put Me In, Coach! "Dickie" "son of a gun" Ernie Pantusso Those lousy French John Ashcroft Are You Degaussing Often Enough? "horizontal position" Droids John Ashcroft I'm Tired Of Being Your Metaphor For Everything "fuck" "poop-flinging" "shit" chimpanzees Phil Collins John Ashcroft My Iraq Plan Has Entered Phase Three "stretched" Aurora Squad Chuck Norris John Ashcroft Helpful Hints: How To...Survive A Hurricane "fuck doll" "gay" Dead Spanish queens Rudolf Schenker John Ashcroft Hurricane Approaches; Americans Torn Between Frantic Hysteria and Blasé Indifference "Ridge" Halle Berry Weather-manipulating terrorists John Ashcroft Affleck, Lopez Split; Media To Make Massive Layoffs "excessive bidet usage" "Gluteal Devastator" Michael Jackson Scuba divers John Ashcroft RIAA Sues 12-Year-Old Girl, Pope, Orphanage, Puppy - Lars Ulrich Shawn Fanning John Ashcroft I Still Haven't Figured Out A Way To Exploit 9/11 "hell" "damned" "conceived" Dr. Laura Clippy John Ashcroft Schwarzenegger vs. Reagan "underpants" Mentally handicapped former Presidents John Ashcroft Jesse Jackson Arrested, Jailed, Now Making Other Prisoners His Bitches "bitches" "fuck" "token" Well-spoken black men bitches John Ashcroft Bush Creates New Department of Blame "castigated" Jennifer Lopez Osama bin Laden John Ashcroft New Futures Market Will Predict Administration's Next Dumbass Move "dumbass" "dipshit" "erect" Pistacio Growers Magneto John Ashcroft Schwarzenegger Asks Advisors What He Really Stands For "staff" Musclehead would-be politicians John Ashcroft Ten Commandments Removed From Courthouse; Stash Of Kiddie Porn Found "slave fucking" "fucked" kiddie porn stars Jesus freaks Thomas Jefferson John Ashcroft All This Legitimate E-Mail Is Really Pissing Me Off "piss" "assholes" "crap" "motherfucker" biological life forms Agent Smith Morpheus John Ashcroft Report Says Space Shuttle Columbia Still Unsafe "lubed" Christa McAuliffe John Ashcroft U.N. Vows Revenge For Iraq Bombing - Filthy Iraqi Jackals Edgar Allan Poe John Ashcroft My Giant Orbiting Heat Ray Is Working Much Better Than I Expected "conceived" "staff" incompetent underlings H. G. Wells John Ashcroft I Hated Gigli More Than You Did "pussy monologue" "fart" Robert Paulson Akira Kurosawa John Ashcroft Researcher Says Stonehenge Is Model Of Female Genitalia; Has Never Seen Either "Stonehooch" "ass crack" "motherfuckers" Lonely anthropologists Nigel Tufnel John Ashcroft Jason Furious Over Second Billing In Freddy vs. Jason "gay" "dorky" "manipulated" Immortal serial killers Benjamin Willis John Ashcroft Blackout Strikes Eastern U.S.; Americans Forced To Talk To Each Other "fucking" Psychologists Americans John Ashcroft Schwarzenegger Demands $30 Million To Govern California "moist vagina" "Twat City" Gary Coleman Manatees John Ashcroft United States Collapses; Gay Marriage Blamed "fairies" "fags" fags Canadians John Ashcroft Ben Affleck Comes Crawling Back To Matt Damon "Bagger" Stan Lee Jennifer Lopez John Ashcroft California Governor Announces Plans To Run For Terminator "lesbian" Freaks Weirdos Hot lesbian cyborgs John Ashcroft Violence In Iraq "hard" Ewan McGregor Saddam Hussein John Ashcroft Congressional Report Says Every Bad Thing Ever Could Have Been Prevented "Punic" Butterflies Romans Carthaginians John Ashcroft Music Industry Deploys Troops To Combat File Swapping "smoke" Music Pirates Real Pirates James Hetfield John Ashcroft I Really Do Trust The Gator Corporation "by golly" Spyware Police Bill Gates John Ashcroft Bush Orders Hussein Sons Stuffed, Mounted "bastard" Saddam Hussein Hillary Clinton John Ashcroft People In Liberia Killing Each Other For Some Reason "swelling" Liberians Canadians John Ashcroft The Scroll Lock Key "bullshit" "fucking" "Squiggly" BSD Users John Ashcroft Bush Blames Iraq Misstatements On 'Blair Confusion' - President Bush John Ashcroft Bush Says Giant Amorphous Sea Blobs Threaten National Security "sticky" Sea Blobs Monster Huggers John Ashcroft Rumsfeld Says Iraq Occupation Will Cost Only $39,999,999,999.95 - Donald Rumsfeld John Ashcroft Supreme Court Strikes Down 'Do Not Call' Registry For Being 'Too Good' - Telemarketers John Ashcroft Terminator 4 To Feature Hot Lesbian Cyborgs "lesbian" "chaff" Ugly Lesbian Cyborgs Midget Cyborgs John Ashcroft Alanis Morissette Dies Ironically "went down on me" Trey Parker Matt LeBlanc John Ashcroft Bush Attributes Iraq Attacks To Bored Iraqi Teenagers "camel-tipping" Islamic Fundamentalist Punk Rockers John Ashcroft Government Creates National 'Do Not Fuck With Me' List "fuck" "fucking" "fuckers" Fuckers John Ashcroft The Supreme Court Decision On Gays "faggot" "Goddamn" "turd burglars" Faggots Supreme Court Justices John Ashcroft Americans Can't Wait For 2004 Presidential Campaign "fucking" "darkies" "damn" Blacks Psychics Sasquatch John Ashcroft Round Metal Thing Proves Iraq Was Building Nukes - Homer Simpson John Ashcroft Tabloid Journalist Accused Of Truifying Stories "hard" Bat Boy Sasquatch John Ashcroft Martha Stewart Orders U.S. Attorney Whacked "shit" Al Capone Perfectionist Homemakers John Ashcroft Iraq Update: Bush Announces End Of Combat Phase, Beginning Of Violent Occupation Phase "bloody" Israelis John Ashcroft Chemical Storage Drums Found In Iraq; Early Tests Show They're Pregnant - Donald Rumsfeld John Ashcroft Soldiers In Iraq Find Incriminating PowerPoint Slides "goat sex" "sticky" Uday Hussin Goats John Ashcroft Charlton Heston Dead At 78 "shit" Clowns Avenging Slaves Insipid Monkeys John Ashcroft O.J. Simpson Gets Own Reality Show; Confusion Road Raises Satirical Threat Level "fucked up" Jonathan Swift O.J. Simpson John Ashcroft Louisiana Expelled From Union For Being Too French "pissed off" "fuckin'" Anne Rice Frederic Forrest John Ashcroft Five Of Spades Captured In Iraq "royal asshole" Matt Damon Edward Norton John Ashcroft Olsen Twins Dead At 16 - Adorable Americans John Ashcroft Crime Rate In Iraq Approaches Crime Rate In U.S. "Hell" "Newark" Sharpe James Anthony A. Williams John Ashcroft Iraq Kicked Out Of Axis Of Evil "pussies" "pissed off" Saddam Hussein Chemical Ali John Ashcroft Bush Starting To Confuse Metaphors - Biff Tannen Yogi Berra John Ashcroft CIA Says Saddam Video Is From Dating Club - Saddam Hussein Mrs. Hussein John Ashcroft U.S. Army Divisions Get Clever Names Just Like Republican Guard "Smegma" "Fuckin'" "screw" Jesus David Hasselhoff John Ashcroft Turkey Still Deciding Whether To Let Us Use Their Stupid Goddamn Military Bases "Goddamn" Turks Turkeys Studs Turkel John Ashcroft CNN Finally Gets To Use Iraq War Theme Music "ass" "dicks" John Williams Ted Turner John Ashcroft Fox News Calls Iraq War For Saddam - Tariq Aziz Tom Brokaw John Ashcroft Google Unveils War-Themed Logo - Edward Kasner Saddam Hussein John Ashcroft Iran Opens Giant Parking Lot "raped" "Silly Putty" James Wright Joni Mitchell John Ashcroft Missing Girl Found; Playboy Offers Her $1 Million To Pose Nude "ass" Jake Douglas John Ashcroft U.S. Plans Pre-Emptive Strike On 'U.N.' "Bush" Kofi Annan Hans Blix John Ashcroft Ridge Urges Every American To Get A Canary "shit" "horny" Tom Ridge Max Schreck John Ashcroft Space Shuttle Totaled; NASA Gets Points On License "slapped" Dark Helmet John Ashcroft Bush Gives Nation Its Annual Dick-Stroking "dick" "hand-job" "penis" Hugh Grant Paul Reubens John Ashcroft Study Shows One Hit Of Heroin A Day Is Good For You "crack" Ewan McGregor Mia Wallace John Ashcroft Web Surfer Tries, Fails To Find Porn On Internet "boobies" "tits" "cock" "pussy" Charles Darwin John Ashcroft University of Michigan Announces New Race-Blind Admissions Plan "penis" "ass" "shit" "nappy" Montel Williams Regis Philbin John Ashcroft New World Trade Center To Include Spring-Mounted Base, Giant Fly Swatter - Ramzi Yousef Osama bin Laden John Ashcroft Race-Based College Admissions "slippery" Trent Lott John Ashcroft Bush Can't Get Straight Answer From Magic 8-Ball "ball" "mounting" Tom Smykowski John Ashcroft Scientists Step Up Plans To Evacuate Earth "fuck" "shit" "hell" Governor Tarkin The French John Ashcroft Fox To Air Joe Circumcised "cock" "schlong" "fag" Lowell Thurber John Ashcroft Cloned Freak-Humans Demand Equal Rights "fucking" Claude Vorilhon George Lucas John Ashcroft III Lott To Commit Ritual Suicide "asshole" "bare ass" Samurai Warriors Jesse Jackson John Ashcroft Most Web Users Don't Want To Get In Touch With Their Stupid Fucking Classmates "fucking" "cunt" "fuckwad" "dipshit" That Cunt Elaine Mansfield Retards John Ashcroft Pundits Knew Gore Was Going To Quit, Just Didn't Mention It "Koppel" George Stephanopoulos John Ashcroft War Experts Think U.S. May Have Lost Element of Surprise In Iraq "piss off" "inkling" Donald Rumsfeld Stanley Kubrick John Ashcroft Iraq Gets D-Minus on U.N. Weapons Report "asshole" Saddam Hussein Hans Blix John Ashcroft Local Man Has Spent Last Seven Years Waiting To Make Left Turn "came together" Sting Billie Joe Armstrong John Ashcroft Special Report: Sniper Thrives on Media Attention, Experts Say - Geraldo Rivera Francis Dolarhyde John Ashcroft Helpful Hints: How To...Avoid Sniper Attacks "bastard" "fucking asshole" "peek-a-boo" Murder Victims Lee Harvey Oswald John Ashcroft Cars To Be Equipped With "Little Hand Wave" Indicators "wipers" Italians John Ashcroft Scientists Perfect the Wireless Video Camera - Spies John Ashcroft Playboy's "Women of Congress" Spread a Flop "fuck toys" "ass" "vulva" "ta-tas" Sandra Day O'Connor Ruth Bader Ginsburg John Ashcroft Bush Calls Shenanigans - President Bush Billie Joe Armstrong John Ashcroft "Under God" Ruled Unconstitutional; God-Fearing Citizens Flee Country "under God" Atheists Monotheists Polytheists John Ashcroft Editorial: The Pledge Of Reason "under God" "Hail Mary" "Blessed Virgin" George Orwell Michael Dukakis John Ashcroft Häagen-Dazs Introduces Ass-Flavored Ice Cream "ass" "smegma" "nutsack" "wet pussy" Ben Jerry John Ashcroft Search Continues for Rich, Pretty White Girl - Kidnappers John Ashcroft Number 11 Apologizes for Reminding People of September 11th "knobs" Max Planck John Ashcroft Errant Car Alarm Frightens Local Residents "cockamamie" The Saturn Family John Ashcroft Apple iPod Named 'Most Likely To Get You Beaten Up' "shit" "ass" "paradigm" Yuppies Robotic Pets John Ashcroft Congress Sends Killer Cyborg Back in Time to Prevent 9/11 - Time-traveling Robotic Assassins bin Laden's Mom John Ashcroft Bush Knew Terror Attacks Were Coming, Forgot "shit" "Bush" President Bush Terrorists John Ashcroft Quest to See Anna Kournikova Naked Still Not Over "masturbate" "tits" "ass" "pussy" Venus Williams Chronic Masturbators John Ashcroft Laser-Guided Superbomb Hits Wrong Target With Amazing Accuracy "fuckers" Donald Rumsfeld Canadians John Ashcroft Aliens Visit International Space Station, Laugh Hysterically "Uranus" Astronauts Small Greys John Ashcroft Woman Puts Lime in Coconut, Drinks Both Up - Produce Purveyors Harry Nilsson John Ashcroft 90% of Media Statistics Inaccurate, Including This One "crack" Statisticians Peter Jennings John Ashcroft Palestinians Gaining on Israelis in Thrilling Comeback "cocktails" Palestinians Israelis Sports Fans John Ashcroft Heaven Running Out of Virgins "virgin" Muslims Virgins John Ashcroft 76% Of Americans Unable To Smell What The Rock Is Cooking - Pro Wrestlers John Ashcroft Scientists Looking for Something New to Clone "fuck" "warm little puddle" Bavarian Snapping Tree Frogs John Ashcroft Israel Sends Arafat To Room "goddamn" Palestinians Israelis John Ashcroft Racism Ends "damn" Blacks Actors John Ashcroft

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