Trying to soothe the nation's jangled nerves, President Barack Obama has launched a "national reassurance plan" aimed at restoring faith in the economy. The centerpiece of the plan is a series of comforting speeches that Obama will give twice a day for the duration of the crisis.

President Bush has increased his commanding lead over Democratic challenger John Kerry in the fantasy world that exists only in the President's mind, according to a new Gallup poll released today.

A group of Viet Cong veterans has launched a series of television ads denouncing Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry as being a 'liar' and an 'incompetent soldier' whose war record demonstrates his unfitness for the Presidency.

George W. Bush was planning his war against Iraq as early as 1946, when he was still in his mother's womb, a new book by reporter Bob Goldstein claims. If true, the allegation contradicts the President's insistence that he did not enter the White House, much less the world, with a preconceived intention of attacking Iraq.

In discouraging news for Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry, a new poll conducted by the Republican National Committee shows President Bush with a strong lead among 4-to-8-year-olds, campaign sources say.

Irate at the notion of their finely crafted system of government being undermined, the founding fathers of our nation rose from their graves today and sharply criticized independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader, sources say.

President Bush's trusted screwup team is already hard at work, trying to figure out how to turn Saddam's capture into some kind of public scandal or embarrassment, sources say.

President Bush today signed into law the National Forest Prevention Act, which he says will help protect Americans from "the constant and imminent threat posed by deadly forests."

Democratic Presidential candidate Howard Dean has finally pussied out, apologizing for a recent 'offensive' remark that has caused a week-long firestorm of criticism.

Many had said this would be an uneventful Election Day, but the American public defied expectations by thoroughly and enthusiastically rocking the vote, exit polls indicate.

Speaking to the nation from the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, President Bush today announced that hostilities in Iraq are now officially still over.

Furious over leaks originating from unnamed administration officials, President Bush today ordered all such officials to be fired immediately, an inside source says.

While California begins the long, difficult process of dealing with the consequences of its electoral decision, the other 49 states of the Union have begun the fun, easy process of laughing their asses off, sources throughout the country are reporting.

President Bush today announced the creation of a new government agency that is so deeply shrouded in secrecy that it has no name, no headquarters, and is unaware of its own existence.

Justice Dept. Chief To Scrutinize Millions Of Files For Proto-Terrorist Behavior

Americans Rest Easy With Knowledge That Fault-Finding Now Handled By Professionals

Actor's Political Strategists Help Him Formulate Lifelong Beliefs

Experts Foresee Extremely Active, Profitable Market

Actor Also Holding Out For Merchandising Rights, Share of Profits

Gray Davis To Audition For Upcoming 'T4'

Sweeping 50-Ton Document Covers Every Misfortune In Known History

Heads Of Qusay, Uday Hussein To Decorate Oval Office

False Data on Iraq Weapons Program Came from Jayson Blair, Not Tony Blair

President Calls For Massive Funding To Stop Icky Gooey Masses From Destroying Our Way Of Life

Defense Secretary Defies Anyone To Bring You That Kind Of Military Savings

Voters Are Eager, But Some Fear That 17 Months Isn't Enough Time To Decide

Bush Says, “We Cannot Tolerate That Much Frenchness Within Our Own Borders”

In the most recent of a string of baffling statements about the war in Iraq, President Bush said today that Saddam Hussein's regime is "behind the ropes" and ready to collapse, and that the war is now "just a stone's breath away" from completion.

Addressing a nation increasingly fearful of terrorist attacks, Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge today urged every American to get a pet canary to serve as "both a friendly pet and an early-warning system."

Triumphant State of the Union Address Once Again Gets America Off

President Bush is "disappointed" and "frustrated" with his Magic 8-Ball's inability to provide clear, unambiguous answers to critical policy questions, White House sources say.

Embattled Republican Senator Trent Lott will end the uproar over his recent controversial remarks by committing seppuku, or ritual suicide, the Senator announced today.

Former Vice President Al Gore's sudden announcement Sunday that he will not seek the presidency in 2004 took America by surprise - except for the nation's journalists, 70% of whom say they saw Gore's decision coming.

Desperate President Invokes Obscure Constitutional Power

Panic Grips Nation as Atheist Takeover Appears Imminent; Monotheism in Jeopardy

Intelligent, Indestructible Robot to Find, Kill bin Laden

Commander-in-Chief Says Prescient 9/11 Warnings 'Slipped His Mind'