President George W. Bush has won a resounding victory in today's Presidential election, the first in which computerized voting machines were used to count the majority of the votes. Machines tabulated the results in record time, showing that Bush had won by an astounding 217 percentage points over Democratic challenger John Kerry.

Archivists in charge of maintaining the records and personal effects of the 21st-century president Howard Dean have discovered what they believe to be the original, hand-written copy of the historic "I Have a Scream" speech, sources say.

Just over a year after electing him as their governor, angry Californians took up makeshift weapons to expel Arnold Schwarzenegger from his mansion in Sacramento, witnesses say. The governor appears to have escaped harm, but is still being pursued by the angry mob. His present whereabouts are unknown.

Voters Swayed By "Fun For America" Platform

Experts Undecided On How To Help The 'Drug-Impoverished' Minority

Three Centuries Of National Greatness Ends In Violence, Chaos, Unnatural Living Situations

Nation Braces For Unprecedented Telemarketing Onslaught

Over a year and a half after the conclusion of the war between Saddam Hussein's Iraq and the U.S.-led coalition, the government of Turkey is still wrangling over whether to allow the United States to use its military facilities and airspace in support of the conflict, sources say.

The government of Iran today proudly announced the long-awaited opening of its new 'Mashin Hammam,' or 'The Great Parking Lot of the Muslim World.'

Victims of Turn-of-the-Century Experiments Explain They Are Not Animals, They Are Human Beings, Albeit Terrifyingly Deformed Ones