Candy manufacturer Mars, Incorporated went into overdrive mode today as it scrambled to recall millions of defective M&M™ candies manufactured in China that could melt in your hands, despite the chocolate confection's legendary protective shell.

A key index of U.S. stock market performance dropped sharply again yesterday, reaching its lowest level since the Norman Conquest a thousand years ago. Economists say they see no sign of the market hitting bottom, while President Barack Obama offered much-needed words of encouragement.

Roughly 20,000 men, all claiming to be former lovers of deceased model Anna Nicole Smith, have filed a class-action lawsuit for paternity rights over Smith's five-month-old daughter, Dannielynn, attorneys representing the plaintiffs say.

Ending weeks of rumors and speculation, the weekly news magazine Time has named air as Gas of the Year for 2006. Some have praised the magazine for recognizing one of Earth's most important substances; others blasted the choice as ignorant, simple-minded or just plain boring.

Resigned to the inevitability of feeling the Force one last time, a beaten and weary nation this week began dragging itself to the sixth and final Star Wars movie, as the film opened in theaters nationwide.

Women and ethnic minorities in the United States are still lagging far behind white males in terms of job performance and academic achievement, civil rights groups say.

When ABC News anchorman Peter Jennings was diagnosed with lung cancer today, The Drudge Report found out before anyone else—including Peter Jennings.

Terri Schiavo, the brain-damaged woman who has spent fifteen years in a persistent vegetative state, died today after thirteen days without her life-sustaining feeding tube. Hours later, the U.S. Congress passed emergency legislation ordering the feeding tube to be reinserted.

The use of performance enhancing drugs by infants – a practice commonly known as baby-doping – is on the rise in the United States and shows no signs of abating, experts say.

In bold defiance of the fundamental laws that bind the universe together, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today ordered the increased production of vehicle armor for U.S. troops in Iraq.

The U.S. military is now providing its soldiers with magnetic ribbons bearing encouraging messages such as "Support Our Troops" and "God Bless the USA." The ribbons are strong enough to protect against bullets and shrapnel. Even better, they let our men and woman in uniform know that we care.

President Bush, speaking to the nation and outlining his goals for his second term, today vowed to help heal the deep and painful divisions that have somehow materialized in the country in the last four years.

In a cruel slap in the face to victims of violence everywhere, local resident Gregory Madison was acquitted of charges of rape and murder today, in spite of the fact that the son of a bitch probably did it anyway.

An elite "Impossible Task Force" established by the government is making little or no progress in accomplishing any of its impossible tasks, inside sources say.

Trying and failing to follow in the distinguished footsteps of Beltway snipers John Muhammad and Lee Malvo, an unknown gunman in the Columbus, Ohio area has racked up just 1 kill after two dozen attempts, police say.

Police, criminologists and other experts are divided on whether apparent kidnap victim Dru Sjodin is a smoking-hot piece of ass or merely average-looking, sources say.

A young couple and their infant child suffered a violent death today when they were apparently attacked by a robotic vacuum cleaner gone haywire, authorities say.

Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman, who is blamed for interfering with a foul ball in Game 6 of the National League Championship Series and costing Chicago the game and the pennant, insists he is innocent and has vowed to find the real foul ball interferer.

The new $20 bill, redesigned by the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to thwart counterfeiters and put into circulation earlier this month, contains secret messages praising Satan and his followers, sharp-eyed observers have found.

Some Flee Underground, Write Wills; Others Plan Barbecues

Record Industry Calls File Swappers 'The Dregs of Society'

Inmates In Awe Of Jackson's Toughness, Eloquence

Illicit Sexual Material Not What The Lord Had In Mind

Fear Of Terrorism Gives Way To Fear Of Relating To Other People

Crack Commando Squads Conducting Raids Across Nation

Millions Sign Up To Assert Their Fleeting, Precious Rights

Homemaker/Crime Lord Demands Ruthless But Tasteful Hit

Taking a cue from Iraq's Republican Guard, the U.S. Army's divisions will now have clever or menacing names, rather than simple numeric designations, Army sources announced today.

Cable News Network expressed relief today that it is finally able to use its six-month-old dramatic orchestral theme for the Iraq war.

Pamela Sharp, a 15-year-old girl Utah girl who was reported missing over 9 months ago, was found today and promptly offered $1 million to appear nude in Playboy magazine, sources say.

Litigation, Public Pressure Lead To Change In Policy

The leading design for a new World Trade Trade Center includes unheard-of architectural safety features, including a spring-mounted base and a giant fly swatter wielded by a robotic arm, officials announced today.

Parents Ask: Are Any Rich, Pretty White Girls Safe?

Streets, Convenience Stores to Be Renamed; Spinal Tap No Longer Funny

High Technology Spells Trouble For America's Foes, Friends

Study Shows That Typical Margin of Error Exceeds 30%, Meaning That Really Somewhere Between 63% and 117% of Media Statistics are Off By Anywhere From 21% to 39%, Give or Take a Few Points