World leaders emerged triumphantly from the historic environmental summit in Copenhagen, having agreed to a provisional, non-binding resolution declaring that the earth does, according to the best available scientific evidence, have a climate.

A secret, centuries-old cabal is using rumor and deception on a massive scale to subvert democratic systems and build unprecedented political power, knowledgeable sources say.

Much to the disappointment of Catholics worldwide, Pope John Paul II passed away Saturday, without ever explaining to anybody what the deal is with that Holy Trinity thing that Catholics, and most other Christians, believe in but don't completely get.

Jesus Christ, the Son of God, whose return has been eagerly awaited by Christians for two millennia, is never coming back to earth, the Messiah himself announced today.

Reacting to recent suicide bombings that have killed over 100 Iraqis and threatened to interfere with the transition to an independent Iraq, President Bush today vowed to "track down those who committed these cowardly acts of terror, and make them pay for their wicked deeds."

Courageous members of the Thought Police captured a violent terrorist today, shortly after she murdered four citizens and destroyed a telescreen during an inspirational broadcast by Big Brother.

Protestors in Iraq once again took to the streets today to demand a quicker transition from U.S.-led military occupation to their own ineffectual pseudo-democratic government.

Defying the expectations of Albert Einstein and others, the almighty, benevolent God has played dice with the universe and lost, leaving Earth in the hands of an unknown celestial entity, sources say.

International Body Says It Will "Rain Sizzling Death" On Perpetrators

U.S. Marine Task Force To Find, Help Distant Country

Disaffected Punks Said To Be Acting Out Youthful Aggression

Troops Discover 'Washer of Mass Destruction'

Israel To Lend Assistance With Its Vast Subjugation Experience

Pentagon Denies Announcing Findings Too Hastily

Illicit Computer Files Contain Black-Market Templates, Clip Art Of Mass Destruction

Coalition forces in Iraq have captured the Five of Spades, one of 52 "most wanted" playing cards that once served in Saddam Hussein's regime, Pentagon sources say.

Disrupted by war and suffering from a lack of meaningful government, Iraq's crime rate is rapidly approaching the alarming levels previously seen only in ill-governed, violent nations such as the United States, sources say.

In a stern letter addressed to Saddam Hussein, the Axis of Evil has ejected Iraq from its membership, sources say.

The now-famous videotape of Saddam Hussein addressing the Iraqi people shortly after the start of the war on March 19 was actually an old dating club video, intelligence experts say.

Just hours after the first shots were fired in the second Persian Gulf War, Fox News has announced that it is calling the war in favor of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.

Mysterious Quasi-Military Organization Called A 'Sinister Terrorist Network With Global Aspirations'

Iraq may somehow be aware that the United States is planning military action against it, meaning that the U.S. has lost the crucial element of surprise, military experts say.

Chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix has given the 10,000-page report on weapons of mass destruction submitted by Iraq's Saddam Hussein a grade of 'D-minus,' sources say.

Aspiring Martyrs Angered Over Proposed Cutbacks

The underdog Palestinians continued to shock the heavily favored Israelis in the ongoing Middle East conflict, racking up nearly 90 kills in their strongest season in recent memory.

Palestinian Leader Accused Of Failure To Do Homework, Murder