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June 8th, 2004
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OK, People, How Are We Going To Spin This Reagan Death Thing? |
By Presidential Advisor Karl Rove
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Rise and shine, everybody! Let's get to work! You all heard the news. Former President Ronald Reagan has passed away, and that means once again we've got a P.R. situation on our hands. I know you're all exhausted from Abu Ghraib and the Tenet debacle, but we've got to do something about this: you can be damn sure the Democrats are going to be all over it. Let's get right to it, people: how are we going to spin this Reagan death thing?
First of all, we've got to play up the power of Reagan's legacy and portray President Bush as being a part of it. This is our last chance to get some mileage out of Reagan's popularity, so we'd damn well better take it. The old bastard sure isn't going to come back from the grave to appear in our 30-second spots.
Now, we know that Kerry and his minions are going to exploit the fact that Reagan died on our watch. They're going to say that old Ron's death illustrates the failure of the health care system under our administration. That could hurt us with the 55-and-overs, and we've got to be ready to strike back.
Good idea, Williams. We can point out that Reagan died "from a disease that he acquired during the Clinton administration." I don't know if that's factual, but nobody can disprove it.
We'd also better do something about Reagan's activities as an FBI informant during the Red Scare. People are going to dredge up those old stories and tarnish his legacy unless we do something, so we'd better get the coverup machine underway. O'Malley, you took care of that thing with the Bolivian triplets, so I'd like you to handle this one. You know the drill: send some people over to the FBI office and start shredding. If you get caught, hand it over to Sanchez in the Denials Division.
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| Reagan died on our watch. That could hurt us with the 55-and-overs. |
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Another thing the lefties are going to hit us with is the national debt. We all know that Reagan ran huge budget deficits and built up a debt that is still with us today. And now President Bush is running even higher deficits and making the national debt worse! I know that sounds bad, but we've got to think, people! How can we make it sound good?
Hold it! Quiet, everyone! What was that, Thompson? Say that again!
Why...that's ingenious! We'll make a causal connection between the budget deficits of the 80's and the prosperity of the 90's! Yes...yes, of course! In the eulogy, we'll say that "economic development" in the Reagan era "set the stage" for the boom a decade later! In one swift rhetorical stroke, we'll uplift Reagan's legacy, and destroy Clinton's! At the same time, we'll portray our own policies as prudent and far-sighted! And if someone disputes our claims, we'll accuse them of politicizing a tragic death! Brilliant, Thompson! Brilliant!
All right, everyone, you know your assignments. Now, before we get to work, let's take a moment to say a prayer for the soul of a great man.
Lord, please welcome Ronald Reagan into Your kingdom, take him into Your arms, and forgive his sins. Let him rest in peace, and bring comfort to his loved ones. Please hear this solemn prayer, O Lord, and in Your divine wisdom, please make sure the press finds out about it. Amen.
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