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December 18th, 2003
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I Sure Had to Suck a Lot of Dicks to Get My Own TV Show! |
By Tracy Morgan
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Hi, I'm Tracy Morgan! Would you like an autograph? You probably remember me as the man who played zany characters like Astronaut Jones and Dominican Lou on Saturday Night Live. Or maybe you don't.
If not, you probably remember me as the guy from the hit movie Half Baked. Well...all right, you probably don't remember that, either. (It's for the best anyway.)
If you remember me at all, it's as the lonely-looking guy waving goodbye from behind Jim Breuer at the end of SNL. You know: the black guy who isn't Tim Meadows. You were probably thinking, boy, I feel sorry for that guy. Well, you don't have to feel sorry for me anymore, because I have my own TV show - but I sure had to suck a lot of dicks to do it!
First, there was the NBC executive who I pitched my show to. His time is very precious, he told me, which is why he wouldn't even listen to my idea unless I smoked his sausage. I could see why his time is so valuable, though - it took him forever to finish! He made it out like it was my fault, but I think I've got pretty good technique. I even gave an unusual amount of attention to his balls.
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| I had so many people lining up to get sucked off, I had to make them take a number. |
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The next step was to have a "face-to-face" with some program manager. Well, it turned out that "face-to-face" was really more like "face-to-head," if you catch my drift! That was not a pleasant experience, let me tell you. A man his age really ought to have better hygiene, especially being uncircumcised and all.
As NBC tried to decide whether to make my show, it seemed like I had to give more and more blowjobs. Can you get tonsillitis from this? I had so many people lining up to get sucked off, I had to make them take a number. Senior vice-presidents, marketing executives - even the valet parking guy! I think at one point I even had to suck Bruce Willis' cock, though I'll be damned if I can remember why.
Then, finally, I got the word - the show was getting picked up! Not only that, but they were naming it The Tracy Morgan Show! (I'll bet that was sort of a "thank you" for always swallowing with such grace and aplomb.) The show is a hip, irreverent, but heartfelt family comedy where I play a wisecracking but loving family man. It's a dream come true, and it makes sucking all those greasy cocks worthwhile.
Was it a humiliating experience? Not at all! I think of it as a rite of passage. And you know what? I learned something, too. I learned about life, I learned about myself, and I learned that there really is a good reason for shaving.
Now, I wonder what I have to do to win an Emmy?
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