|
|
|
|
|
July 12th, 2003
|
|
Bush Says Giant Amorphous Sea Blobs Threaten National Security |
President Calls For Massive Funding To Stop Icky Gooey Masses From Destroying Our Way Of Life
|
Politics - Calling them "the greatest threat to our lives and our freedom since Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction," President Bush today said that large clumps of organic matter, like the one that washed ashore in Chile earlier this week, represent the nation's newest and most fearsome enemy.
"In recent years, our strong nation has dealt with the menace of international terrorism and the menace of an Iraqi dictator," Bush said. "Now, we must deal with the even more frightening menace of large, sticky lumps of goo that rise out of the ocean depths."
Bush proposed a new $500 billion program to develop a new class of attack submarines capable of finding and destroying the blobs. "If we fail to take this action, these giant sea blobs will threaten our very way of life," he warned. "They will invade our harbors. They will slither up onto our shores. They will enter our homes and consume our children. For that is what giant sea blobs do."
The President dismissed suggestions by marine biologists that the Chilean sea blob may simply be the carcass of an ordinary, harmless creature such as an octopus or whale. "I like to call things as I see them," he explained. "If it looks like a deadly mutant sea monster, and acts like a deadly mutant sea monster, then I say it is a deadly mutant sea monster."
Bush attacked the scientists and other blob-defenders as being "bleeding-heart monster huggers." "This is not the time to be soft on sea blobs," he said. "I have one word to describe these nefarious denizens of the deep: they are evil. And I, for one, will not negotiate, will not compromise, with sea blobs."
Meanwhile, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge ranked the blobs as the #1 threat to the country, ahead of vampires, giant rats and Fred Durst. Ridge called for the creation of a national Anti-Blob Task Force to deal with the slimy, gelatinous terror.
The President dismissed as insignificant the fact that only one giant sea blob has actually been reported, and that was in Chile, thousands of miles away from U.S. borders. "Just because the sea blobs aren't making themselves visible doesn't mean they aren't there," he argued. "Saddam Hussein hasn't washed up on shore, and nobody's denying that he exists, are they?" The absence of direct evidence of sea blobs, the President said, is direct evidence of a conspiracy to hide them. In spite of this conspiracy, Bush said that the administration is in possession of conclusive intelligence showing that they do, in fact, exist.
"These blobs have four hundred eyes, poisonous tentacles, and thousands of razor-sharp teeth," Bush said. "They were created in an experimental biological weapons lab in Niger. I know this is true, because the CIA told me so, and they've never let me down before."
|
|
|
