|
|
|
|
|
November 23rd, 2004
|
Future News Division:
Californians Oust Schwarzenegger with Torches, Pitchforks |
Citizens Fearful of Increasingly Violent Governor
|
November 23rd, 2004 - Just over a year after electing him as their governor, angry Californians took up makeshift weapons to expel Arnold Schwarzenegger from his mansion in Sacramento, witnesses say. The governor appears to have escaped harm, but is still being pursued by the angry mob. His present whereabouts are unknown.
Brandishing torches and pitchforks, hundreds of townsfolk stormed the governor's mansion shortly after midnight last night, easily overpowering security forces and descending to the dingy underground chamber where the governor is kept. The mob broke down the door to the chamber, only to find it empty. Schwarzenegger had apparently escaped through a trap door into the city's sewer system.
The riot was apparently set off by a recent incident in which Schwarzenegger escaped from the governor's mansion and went on a violent rampage throughout Sacramento, breaking into homes, destroying property and frightening children. It was only the latest in a series of outbursts by Schwarzenegger, in which he has smashed furniture, broken through walls and chased terrified reporters out of the Statehouse.
Many Californians are now afraid that Schwarzenegger's uncontrollable fits of rage, combined with his superhuman strength, have made him a danger to every citizen. They are also disappointed with his management of the state's educational system.
Although Californians seem convinced that the governor is a soulless monster that must be destroyed, some feel that he is merely misunderstood. "Arnold is not an evil creature," insists Lt. Governor Frank Wilder, who feeds and cares for his boss. "He only wants to be loved. People hate him and fear him because he is large and hideous. But the truth is, if only he is treated with kindness and respect, he is as gentle as a lamb."
Wilder dismissed as "ludicrous" rumors that Schwarzenegger has an insatiable hunger for human flesh and thirst for the blood of innocent children. He says that these rumors are part of a "smear campaign" waged by the Democratic Party, and that the governor's recent outbursts were caused by frustration over partisan politics, not a violent nature and general loathing of humanity.
In an emergency television broadcast, the Lt. Governor called on the citizens of California for restraint. "Chasing him with torches is the worst thing you can do," he said, "for Arnold is terrified of fire, and it will only make him angrier. But his anger is easily alleviated with music. The sound of a violin, or a flute, will quickly soothe and calm him."
Privately, however, Wilder expressed little hope for a nonviolent resolution. "These foolish people, they live in such a cruel, violent world, that anything that is different causes them fear," he says. "Poor Arnold's only hope is that he meets someone who is untainted by fear – a young girl, perhaps – who is so pure and simple that she can see him for the loving creature he is. Perhaps, she and Arnold will form a bond through a few brief words or gestures, and others will realize that he is not a monster at all. But most likely, even that will not work. The mob will find Arnold with his arm around the young girl, and assume that he is about to crush her with his bare hands. Then they will kill him, and only after he is dead will they realize their horrible mistake."
|
|
|
