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June 26th, 2004
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Warning: This Movie Contains Opinions |
Michael Moore's 'Fahrenheit 9/11' confronts viewers with a challenging, controversial point of view. If you find that threatening, don't worry. Confusion Road tells you what to think.
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So you're thinking about going to see Michael Moore's new documentary, Fahrenheit 9/11. But what can you expect? Is the movie a must-see for politically conscious Americans? Or does it contain dangerous lies concocted by a left-wing lunatic? As a public service, Confusion Road offers the following warnings to help you understand the risks.
WARNING: This movie contains opinions. These opinions may be different from the ones you currently hold. You will not know for sure whether you agree with the opinions expressed in this film until the closing credits. (To save time, sneak in at the end of the movie and watch the closing credits only.)
DANGER: This film contains opinions that are considered controversial. "Controversial" means that they are not simplistic or obvious, like "war is bad" or "children are the future." If you prefer those kinds of opinions, consider watching the Miss America pageant instead.
NOTICE: This film is biased. This means that the filmmaker's goal is to promote his opinion, and he does not give equal time to opposing points of view. To hear opposing points of view, you will have to go elsewhere. Be persistent! People who are willing to disagree with Mr. Moore may be hard to find, but they are out there.
CAUTION: This film may be very persuasive. Simply accepting this film's point of view, however convincing, is not a substitute for thinking. (But it will probably get you by at cocktail parties.)
WARNING: Michael Moore's style is outrageous, sometimes even childish. Dismissing him as a kook is not a substitute for skepticism. (However, it is quite effective at making you feel superior.)
NOTICE: This film contains patriotic themes. However, merely agreeing with everything Mr. Moore says does not make you a good American. Rather, if you give careful thought to the issues and then agree with everything Mr. Moore says, only then are you a good American.
WARNING: The maker of this film is overweight and poorly dressed. Telling people that you agree with him is not going to get you laid. Except maybe with overweight, poorly dressed chicks.
CAUTION: Anyone sharing the opinions expressed in this film is at risk of being regarded as liberal, unpatriotic, or a pussy. That won't get you laid, either.
WARNING: This movie does not tell the full story of 9/11, its causes, and its aftermath, nor does it tell you the answers to today's complex problems of politics, war and terrorism. For that, you will have to wait for the DVD.
NOTICE: This film won the Cannes Film Festival. This is often the mark of a quality film. On the other hand, the Cannes Film Festival is run by the French, and what the fuck do they know?
WARNING: Your friends, family, co-workers, spouse, radio personalities, talking heads and politicians will try to tell you what to think of this film. Don't listen to them. There is only one person who can really tell you what to think, and that is Christ.
DANGER: This film may disturb you by suggesting that the country in which you live has serious problems that threaten its very future. This could burst the comfortable bubble of simplified, idealistic patriotism in which you were raised, you arrogant American.
WARNING: This film contains information that purports to be factual. However, supposedly "factual" films may contain errors or even deliberate distortions. To avoid factual errors or deliberate distortions, you may wish to get your information from other media such as television and newspapers, where these problems do not exist.
DANGER: This film may weaken our patriotism, cause us to distrust our leaders, erode our support for the troops, and ultimately destroy America.
CAUTION: Don't look, but the guy two rows behind you with the notebook is John Ashcroft.
WARNING: By watching this movie, you might be helping the terrorists. On the other hand, by not watching this movie, you might be helping the terrorists. Choose wisely.
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