It has been reported that, upon being discovered by U.S. troops in his underground hideout, Saddam Hussein identified himself as the president of Iraq and tried to negotiate over the terms of his capture.
No one has revealed the details of that encounter - until now. In this transcript, Confusion Road gives you an exclusive look at the tense negotiations between U.S. soldiers and the most wanted man in Iraq.
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December 13, 2003. Soldiers from the 4th Infantry Division have found the "spider hole" in which Saddam Hussein has been hiding.SGT. MARK MURRAY: This is the United States Army. Whoever you are, we know you're down there. Come out right now or we will open fire!
SADDAM: Don't shoot! I am Saddam Hussein.
MURRAY: President Bush sends his regards.
SADDAM: That's nice of him. How's Georgie been?
MURRAY: He's good. The swelling’s gone down. He says he's sorry he hasn't called.
SADDAM: He's not still sore about the time I tried to kill his dad, is he?
MURRAY: Not at all. Jesus Christ, that is the filthiest shithole I’ve ever seen.
SADDAM: It’s the maid’s day off.
MURRAY: Are those rats down there with you all the time?
SADDAM: They mostly come at night. Mostly.
MURRAY: Mr. Hussein, we are taking you into custody. I need you to leave your weapon on the ground and come out of the hole.
SADDAM: No! I am the President of Iraq and I wish to negotiate.
MURRAY: We're not going to negotiate.
SADDAM: If you will not negotiate, I will never come out.
MURRAY: We'll see about that.
SADDAM: What, do you plan to use force? Do you think you and your heavily armed infantry are any match for an old man in a hole with a pistol?
MURRAY: [Under his breath] Shit! He's got us by the balls. [To Saddam] Mr. Hussein, I need to talk to my C.O.
SADDAM: Don't try anything funny! I've got you cornered!
MURRAY: Just don't shoot. I'm putting down my weapon.
SADDAM: I want to see your hands!
[Murray exchanges a few words with his commanding officer, Capt. Roger Kozlowski, and then speaks again to Saddam.]
MURRAY: All right, Mr. Hussein, you win. If you come out, we will spare your life and give you full immunity from your crimes against humanity.
SADDAM: What crimes? I haven't gassed anybody in years.
MURRAY: Didn’t you build weapons of mass destruction with the intention of using them on innocent people?
SADDAM: Yes, but it's all right, I had –
MURRAY: – yeah yeah yeah, you had Subway for lunch.
SADDAM: How did you know?
MURRAY: And didn't you also torture thousands of Iraqis in order to intimidate your enemies and maintain your iron grip on power?
SADDAM: That depends on your definition of "torture."
MURRAY: We're willing to forgive all that, but we want you to tell us what you did with those weapons of mass destruction.
SADDAM: I sold them to North Korea. I gave the profits to a mysterious and powerful figure who supports my cause. He is a dangerous and terrifying man who will one day destroy America.
MURRAY: Howard Dean?
SADDAM: Enough! If I agree to come out, what will I get in exchange?
MURRAY: I told you, we’re offering you immunity. We promise that you won’t be tried and executed.
SADDAM: Unacceptable! I want $10 million and a villa in the south of France. And a razor.
SADDAM: Gillette Sensor, if you please. With the comfort strip.
MURRAY: Out of the question.
SADDAM: I'm warning you, I have a cell phone. Shall I call CNN? I'm sure they'd love to film this little debacle.
MURRAY: You'll never get a signal.
SADDAM: I've got three bars, Smart Guy.
MURRAY: Go ahead, call them. It won't do you any good.
SADDAM: I see that you are wearing an arm patch. What does it say?
MURRAY: Um, it says "Arizona Cardinals." It’s a football team.
SADDAM: I see. And you would want all the television viewers in America to know that you are a Cardinals fan?
MURRAY: Damn you, Saddam Hussein!
SADDAM: You have a patch on your other arm, too. What is the meaning of 'Pacino Division?'
MURRAY: It's not important. What do you want?
SADDAM: If you want me to come out, you will have to make more concessions. I wish to be on a reality TV show.
MURRAY: Which one?
SADDAM: The one with the porn star.
MURRAY: There’s one with a porn star now?
SADDAM: And I want a guarantee that I'll win and get to marry her.
MURRAY: No way. We’re Americans. Every contestant deserves an equal chance to nail the porn star.
SADDAM: I've got bin Laden on speed dial. I'm sure I can talk him into attacking the United States. He has operatives in New Jersey with an explosive device that can reduce the entire state to a heap of smoldering rubble.
SADDAM: I can also call the New York Times and take out an ad giving away the ending to "Lord of the Rings."
MURRAY: You wouldn't dare!
SADDAM: Wouldn't I?
MURRAY: You don't know how it ends. You're bluffing!
SADDAM: After Frodo makes it to the top of Mount Doom, Gollum tries to -
MURRAY: Stop! [To Capt. Kozlowski] He'll do it, that crazy bastard. We're in over our heads here.
KOZLOWSKI: We’d better call the boss.
MURRAY: Mr. Hussein, I'm going to contact the White House and tell President Bush about your offer.
SADDAM: Go ahead. And tell him I want my ‘Sex in the City’ DVD back.
[There is a long pause as Murray speaks to President Bush via satellite phone.]
MURRAY: Mr. Hussein, the President has rejected your offer. We are giving you two options. Either you come up and surrender unconditionally...
MURRAY: Or we leave you here, bring the entire Army home, and leave you in charge of this fucked-up, steaming shitpile of a country.
SADDAM: Hang on, I'm getting a ladder.
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