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March 24th, 2002
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Racism Ends |
Berry, Washington Bring Home Oscars; Racial Equality Restored
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Society - Centuries of racial hatred and disharmony came to an abrupt end today when black actors Denzel Washington and Halle Berry received awards for Best Actor and Best Actress, respectively, from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
"Tonight, we killed two birds with one stone," remarked Washington during his heartfelt acceptance speech. "First, two dedicated performers have been deservedly honored for their dedication, their hard work and their talent. Second, the demon of racism has at last been vanquished. God bless America!"
World experts in racial issues expressed astonishment and joy at the unexpected turn of events. "I was certain that the battle for equality would be fought on many fronts for decades, perhaps even centuries," remarked the Reverend Jesse Jackson, a long-time champion of minority rights. "Now, a mere thirty-four years after the death of Martin Luther King, Jr., his dream is at last fulfilled. The battle is won."
Shifting in his seat, Jackson added, "I guess now I'll try and catch up on my gardening."
NAACP, UNCF, KKK CLOSE DOORS, GO HOME
Echoing Jackson's sentiment of astonishment and jubilation, non-profit organizations dedicated to assisting racial minorities began the process of closing up shop. "I just can't believe this could happen. When I heard the news, I thought I was dreaming," said Shirley Jefferson, Executive Director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. "I said to myself, two black actors given Academy Awards in the same year? No way, no how. Not in this white man's world. But this ain't the white man's world no more. It's our world." Tears of joy streaming down her face, Jefferson told her staff of 250 that their work was finally complete, and they could go home. Similar scenes played out at the United Negro College Fund and dozens of other organizations throughout the world.
On the other side of the political fence, members of the racist hate group the Ku Klux Klan acknowledged total defeat. "My fellow white, Christian Americans, the battle is lost," said Charles Anderson, President of the KKK, before an assembly of over 1000 supporters at Klan headquarters in Biloxi, Mississippi. "We tried to stop it, but in the end, Denzel and Halle have beaten us. Damn you, Halle! Damn you, Denzel! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!"
After this cathartic release of anger, Anderson suddenly became pensive. "We must now reach out our hands and embrace our colored brethren," he intoned. Discarding his white cloak, long a symbol of his hatred for blacks, Anderson cried out, "I love black people!"
The entire assembly then spontaneously broke out into song, singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."
Hours later, physically exhausted and emotionally spent, Anderson reflected on his future. "I don't know what we're going to do now…all these people, dedicating so much time and energy, only to have our cause suddenly, completely crushed by a pair of black actors. I just don't know what's next."
"Maybe we'll start hating left-handed people or something."
CIVIL RIGHTS ACT REPEALED; AGE OF GLOBAL HARMONY BEGINS
Elsewhere in the nation, lawmakers went about the business of repealing decades' worth of laws designed to guarantee racial equality. "Now that Denzel and Halle have won Oscars, we just don't need these laws on the books anymore," remarked U.S. Senator Trent Lott, on his way to a vote to repeal the Civil Rights Act of 1967. "They've knocked down all the barriers. People of all races now treat each other equally, with no racial hatred, stereotypes, mistrust or preferential treatment." He paused, reflecting on the momentous occasion. "Remarkable."
The wave of racial harmony spread even beyond the borders of the United States and encompassed the entire world. Race-related violence and strife in nations as diverse as Germany, South Africa and Nepal came to an abrupt end as people of all colors joined hands and sang "Kumbaya." In all four corners of the globe, the joy of long-awaited mutual love between human beings of all races could be seen on the faces of men, women…and especially, the children.
"Kumbaya, My Lord, Kumbaya…Oh, Lord, Kumbaya."
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