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June 4th, 2002
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Apple iPod Named 'Most Likely To Get You Beaten Up' |
Portable Music Device Cited for Flashy Design, Ease of Use, Smugness
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Society - PC Magazine's Tech Awards 2002, released today, honored the Apple iPod with a number of distinguished technical honors, including Best Digital Music Player and Most Innovative Device. But more importantly, the sleek, high-tech music player was voted 'Most Likely To Get You Beaten Up.'
"This award is not at all surprising," said Todd Anderson, editor-in-chief of PC Magazine. "The iPod is a brilliant, innovative MP3 player that makes an emphatic statement about its owner. It says, 'I'm tech-savvy, I'm rich, and...most important of all...I richly deserve a serious, painful beating.'"
Other experts agreed. "The iPod is, simply put, a revolutionary device," says Michelle Dirnt, an industry analyst. "Its storage space is more than twice that of the nearest competitor. It communicates through a super-fast IEEE-1394 interface. And it has an attractive, elegant design. It just cries out to be ripped from its owner's pretentious little hands and smashed into shiny bits."
Observers credited the iPod's win to a number of factors. "All Apple devices are aimed at the 'think-different' crowd, in a way that makes them extremely innovative and extremely irritating" Anderson explains. "The iMac and the eMac, for example, changed the entire paradigm for personal computers. They were easy to use, they were colorful and engaging, and they were infuriatingly smug. Worst of all, they appealed to the kind of people who use the word 'paradigm' with a straight face."
The iPod faced stiff competition from other smarmy gadgets such as the Sony AIBO, a robotic dog that retails for $3000. "I was sure that the AIBO was going to get it," says Microsoft executive Kevin Sanders. "It's an overpriced, pointless toy aimed at yuppie snobs with too much time and too much money. If I saw somebody with one of those things, I think I'd just have to kick their white, pampered ass."
In the end, however, the sheer pretentiousness of the iPod won the day. "People who own the iPod have certain qualities to them," Dirnt explains. "First of all, they own Apple computers, which means they're either hippies, college art majors, or gay. Second, they'd rather sit in front of a computer programming their little MP3 players than listen to CD's like everybody else. Finally, they just have that attitude about them that says, 'Look at me! I'm smarter than you.' It just makes you want to pop them right in the kisser."
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