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October 27th, 2004
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Bush Leads By 39 Points In Bush Dream World |
United, Joyful Nation Overwhelmingly Favors President Over That Liberal Pussy
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Above: the projected Electoral College map, in President Bush's reality |
Politics - President Bush has increased his commanding lead over Democratic challenger John Kerry in the fantasy world that exists only in the President's mind, according to a new Gallup poll released today.
The poll found that, out of 1,350 registered voters in the President's imagination, 69% said they planned to vote for Bush, with only 30% favoring Kerry and 1% undecided.
If the poll's figures are correct, the President's fantasy world will soon witness one of the most lopsided elections in American history. Bush is poised to win all but three states: Senator Kerry's home state of Massachusetts; Louisiana, which is populated mainly by French people; and New Mexico, which is a foreign country.
In a historic first, Bush is also expected to win Cuba and the Great Lakes.
Bush's dominance can largely be explained by his imagined strength on national security. The majority of respondents cited terrorism as the most important election issue. Bush's record on fighting terror is impressive: in his dream world, 75% of all terrorists in the world have been killed or captured in U.S. military operations, most of which were personally carried out by Bush himself.
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| In Bush's dream world, 75% of all terrorists have been killed or captured, most by Bush himself. |
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President Bush is also credited with creating every job that now exists and protecting Americans from deadly Canadian drugs.
Bush's popularity at home is matched by his renown overseas, where he is widely admired for taking a tough stand on terrorism. Foreign leaders respect Bush for having the balls to take out Saddam Hussein, who was actively distributing weapons of mass destruction to terrorists. The people of Iraq are especially grateful to President Bush, crediting him for their country's newfound freedom, peace and prosperity.
Despite these encouraging signs for the President, his victory is not assured. In Bush's imaginary world, democracy itself is threatened by the Democratic Party, which is hell-bent on regaining power using what insiders call "Democratic dirty tricks." According to nonexistent intelligence reports, the Democratic National Committee plans to send mobs of Democratic thugs to commit acts of violence and sabotage at polling places across the country, targeting predominantly Republican precincts in swing states.
Once in control of the Congress and the White House, experts inside Bush's head say, the Democrats will unleash their master plan to destroy America. That plan includes the following:
- Send U.S. troops into combat unarmed and naked
- Harvest stem cells from pregnant women, by force if necessary
- Do nothing without written permission from France
- Reinstate the Baby Tax of 1902
- Invite bin Laden to the White House for tea; negotiate a compromise
- Make gay marriage mandatory
- Completely disregard the crucial international role of Poland
Fortunately, in Bush's mind, the DNC's plans to disrupt the election will surely fail, as the Democrats can be counted on to change their mind at the last minute.
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