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May 7th, 2004
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Your Defeatist Attitude Is Not Helping Us Get Off This Flaming 747 |
By the Passenger In Seat 17A
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In situations like this, self-defeating whiners like you are no help at all. "We're doomed," you cry. "The plane's engines have exploded, the pilot and copilot have been incinerated, and the fuselage is ablaze!" While all these things are factually true, harping on them won't make them go away. Your defeatist attitude is not helping us get off this flaming 747.
You're acting like this is the end of the world, but I've been in much worse situations. Like the time I was driving south on the Parkway, 20 miles from the nearest service station, and my 'low fuel' light went on. You may not think that's such a big emergency, but consider this: I was in a Lincoln Continental, which gets terrible gas mileage.
I resisted the urge to panic, like you are now. I kept my cool. I made up my mind that I was going to make it to the Exxon at Exit 36, and I did, by the slimmest of margins. That was a real nail-biter, I can tell you. But my determination and positive thinking got me through it. And this situation isn't nearly as bad. At least, in this case, we've got plenty of fuel!
But pessimists like you don't see it that way. You see the cloud but not the silver lining. "The airplane is out of control," you scream, "and we're rapidly losing altitude." Well, losing altitude is one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is that we're getting closer and closer to the safety of solid ground. All we have to do is get safely out of this plane. How hard can that be? People get on and off airplanes every day!
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| Losing altitude is one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is that we're getting closer and closer to the safety of solid ground. |
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Oh, there you go again, giving your cynical reasons why it can't be done. "The emergency exit has been fused shut by the heat of the inferno," you say, "and besides, there are no parachutes!"
That just goes to show that you haven't learned how to think outside the box. Surely there are other ways to get safely out of the aircraft. And if you would simply calm down, we could start being constructive and try to find them.
As for the parachutes - you're assuming that we can't have any unless someone gives them to us. That attitude is typical of people who have had things handed to them all their lives, and who are suddenly helpless when they don't have things handed to them. Well, I haven't had it that easy, Mister. I've had to fend for myself. And it's a good thing I'm here now, because it looks like that's what we have to do.
Take a look at these seat cushions, for example. They're covered in tough canvas. Has it crossed your mind that we could use that fabric to make parachutes?
There you go again. "We don't have enough time," you exclaim. "We can't possibly make parachutes before the plane hits the ground." You know what I think? I think your declarations of helplessness are just an excuse to avoid doing hard work. Sure, it's much easier to just sit back and accept your impending gruesome death. There's much less pressure if you don't have to take responsibility for your future. But I, for one, refuse to take the easy way out.
Will you look at that! It seems that the stress on the airframe caused by our rapid descent has ripped off the top of the fuselage. Guess getting out of the plane won't be as hard as you thought, will it, Mr. Naysayer? And look how pretty the sky is!
Now, unless you're still clinging to your self-fulfilling prophecy of failure, let's get to work on these parachutes. And I've got even more good news - as the earth rapidly comes up to greet us, I can see that the plane's point of impact will be right in a crowded residential neighborhood. What a stroke of luck! This means that, as soon as we arrive on the surface, someone will be nearby to help us. Now, let's just finish up these parachutes before we hit the
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