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April 24th, 2004
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Jesus Not Coming Back |
Almighty Infuriated By Humanity's Malice, Greed, Bad Music
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Above: Jesus expresses His true feelings for humanity |
World - Jesus Christ, the Son of God, whose return has been eagerly awaited by Christians for two millennia, is never coming back to earth, the Messiah himself announced today.
The Lord issued a surprisingly bitter statement to His followers explaining His decision. A transcript of that statement follows.
FINAL MESSAGE TO HUMANITY
To My followers:
When I made My promise to return to the world and deliver you from evil, I fully intended to keep that promise. Sadly, however, humanity has made Me change My mind. You're not worth redeeming. I'm washing My hands of this disastrous experiment in intelligent life and free will.
I was hoping you'd make some progress since the days when the Romans persecuted the Jews. But nothing has changed. You all still hate each other. You don't do much to feed the hungry, or shelter the homeless, or any of that other shit I told you to do. Why do you even pretend to care about My will? Why do you pray and sing hymns and read the Bible? Is it all just a charade to make you feel better about yourselves?
Never mind. I know the answer to that.
I've learned to hate your species for so many reasons. I can't stand your constant whining about your petty problems. I hate the way you adopt new slang words and catch phrases to try to 'out-hip' each other. I despise your bad table manners. Child pornography also kind of irks Me.
From now on, I'm going to concentrate on other intelligent life forms. Or maybe Dad and I will start a whole new Creation.
Before I do that, though, I want to share just a few of the reasons why you piss Me off. I mean, there are the obvious things, like violence and greed, but that's not what really gets Me.
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| "I can't stand your constant whining, your slang words, and your bad table manners. Child pornography also kind of irks Me." |
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What really gets Me are the little things. Like the stupid ways you pretend to believe in Me. Christian rock. Tattoos with My name on them. And don't even get Me started on those fucking T-shirts.
When you're not doing trivial things to show your devotion to Me, you're getting all bent out of shape over something pointless. Take 'animal rights.' My dad put animals on the planet to serve humanity. He gave you an enormous variety of creatures to do your work, to serve as your companions, and for you to eat. So now you've decided they have rights? And you attack people to defend those rights? Your ability to invent problems for yourselves never ceases to amaze Me.
I think I could forgive your sins if you were going somewhere culturally. You really had something going back there in the Renaissance. But then you just ran out of creative steam. I realize it gets harder and harder to think of anything original...but paintings of soup cans? That was a few decades ago; nowadays it's even worse. Someone throws crap at a wall and you act like it's profound.
Another thing that makes Me mad are all the bullshit religious myths. Stigmatas, for example. Only one person got a real stigmata, and that's Me. The whole stigmata phenomenon just goes to show that you people can't stand letting someone else get all the attention.
You've got all this nonsense occupying your thoughts when you should be concentrating on more important things. Like not destroying the world, for example. In case you haven't noticed, greenhouse gases are threatening to make the planet uninhabitable, and the kooks of the world are starting to get their hands on nuclear weapons. Guess you can't be bothered with that when American Idol is on.
Think I'm going to save you from self-annihilation? Think again. When you obliterate yourselves, don't come crying to Me.
Yours truly,
Jesus Christ
Office of Redemption and Salvation
P.S. I want My shroud back.
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