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February 6th, 2004
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Helpful Hints: How To...Talk To Your Kids About Janet Jackson's Breast |
A Shocking Incident Occurs on TV, and Your Children Are Watching. Confusion Road Tells You What To Say.
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Imagine seeing this through the eyes of a child. |
The Janet Jackson breast incident has caused a firestorm of controversy, leading to endless media discussion and even an FCC investigation. But amidst all this commotion, we mustn't forget the children. The shocking incident left many young Americans frightened and confused. Need to know how to talk to your kids about it? Confusion Road offers this advice:
- Use this as an opportunity to call CBS, the school, and the babysitter to demand to know why they aren't doing a better job of teaching your kids about sexuality.
- Explain to your children that the human body is natural and beautiful, and that exposing it doesn't hurt anyone. Demonstrate.
- Teach them not to jump to conclusions. Explain that just because Justin Timberlake ripped off part of Janet Jackson's dress, that doesn't mean he's nailing her.
- Insist that, no matter what their friends say, "Wardrobe Malfunction" would not be a good band name. Be firm.
- If your child felt an erection at the sight of Janet's breast, explain that this is a normal, healthy experience and that sooner or later, it happens to all girls.
- Assure your son that there are much, much better breasts out there.
- For misbehaving children, tell them that if they are not good, Janet's breast will come and get them.
- Tell them that, no, they absolutely may not have a nipple shield, no matter what their friends are doing.
- Although it may have been traumatic to see Justin expose Janet, tell your kids to be thankful: at least it wasn't the other way around.
- Explain that baring your breast in public is absolutely not acceptable behavior, unless you've got an album coming out soon.
- Tell them that anyone named Jackson is a disturbed freak and must be avoided. Sure, you'll be including a few hundred thousand unrelated people also named Jackson, but you want your children to be safe, don't you?
- Explain that television is a morally corrupting force that must be avoided, and they should shut the fuck up and go to bed so you can watch The Man Show.
- Tell them that the human body was created in the Lord's own image, and that it's a part of God's design for people to whore it out for attention.
- Make sure your boys understand that, even after this racy incident, Justin Timberlake still is, and always will be, a fag.
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