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December 13th, 2003
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Experts Clash Over Kidnap Victim's Hotness |
Police Accused of Ignoring Missing Student's Extreme Hittability
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Apparent kidnap victim and disputed hottie Dru Sjodin |
U.S. - Police, criminologists and other experts are divided on whether apparent kidnap victim Dru Sjodin is a smoking-hot piece of ass or merely average-looking, sources say. Those who describe her as average or even unattractive say that her case is getting too much media attention, while the hottie camp charges that investigators are ignoring clear evidence of Sjodin's nailability.
"There can be no doubt, Dru Sjodin is a tasty morsel," says Jack Tennorman, a private investigator hired by Dru's family. "She has stunning blue eyes and blonde hair, combined with a girl-next-door sweetness that makes her irresistible. But, sadly, the police are bungling the case. They're treating it like a routine missing dumpy female situation."
Police insist they are giving due attention to the 22-year-old's mysterious disappearance. "All available photographic evidence leads us to believe that Ms. Sjodin is a woman of average hotness," says Capt. Michael Colby of the Grand Forks Police Department. "Examination of her cheekbones and jawline shows that she has less-than-ideal facial proportions. Furthermore, she is neither busty enough for erotic modeling nor slender enough for serious runway work."
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"The police are bungling the case. They're treating it like a routine missing dumpy female situation."
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Colby says that police have placed Sjodin's case in the standard "I'd Do Her" file, as she is too attractive for the "I Wouldn't Fuck Her With Someone Else's Dick" file while not attractive enough for the high-priority "I'd Eat a Mile of Her Shit to See Where It Came From" file.
Sjodin's family has offered a $50,000 reward for any photographs or videotapes of Dru proving her hittability. They have also published an open letter to Dru's kidnapper, begging him to show mercy and release her unharmed.
"Dru is an aspiring model with a lucrative career, perhaps even a steamy nude pictorial, in her future," the letter says. "Have you no heart? Even worse, have you no dick?"
Amid the sometimes ugly dispute over Sjodin's hotness, there were signs that cooler heads might yet prevail. "I know in my heart that Dru is a hottie," says her father. "If she weren't my daughter, I'd do her without hestitation. I just want to remind everyone that, as long as Dru is missing, that means that one more perfectly bangable woman is out of circulation. You may not think she's beautiful, but remember this: when the lights are out, all women are the same."
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