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November 6th, 2003
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Matrix Revolutions Declared a Partial-Birth Abortion |
Filmmakers Face Indictment; Bush Says New Law Was Passed To Punish Just This Kind of Butchery
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Society - The long-awaited Matrix Revolutions, which opened in theaters nationwide on Wednesday, has been officially declared a partial-birth abortion and therefore in violation of the recently enacted Partial Birth Abortion Ban of 2003. Authorities say that the makers of the film, brothers Andy and Larry Wachowski, will likely face prosecution and imprisonment for creating this slaughtered fetus of a movie.
Fans say that the Matrix trilogy was just moments away from emerging as one of the greatest film series of all time, when it was crushed by the merciless jaws of the third film's nonsensical plot, laborious dialogue and repetitive action sequences. "It was a gut-wrenching thing to watch," says Chris Weaver, who saw the movie on opening night. "In the first few scenes, you could see the film timidly peek out its head from the womb of the Wachowski brothers' imagination. But then, those very same Wachowski brothers reached in with their instruments of insipid filmmaking, and cracked open its tiny, fragile skull."
Right up until the moment of its death, Revolutions appears to have had encouraging vital signs: a strong cast, dazzling effects and a suspenseful cliffhanger from the previous episode. Witnesses say that at the last moment, the Wachowski brothers, blinded by their preoccupation with kung fu, CGI, sunglasses and other superficially "cool" aspects, stuck a digital tube into the movie's skull and sucked its brains out.
The film's mangled, lifeless body will be placed in a sterile plastic bag and thrown in the fetid, overflowing Dumpster of great Hollywood embarrassments, along with other abortions such as Gigli, Attack of the Clones, and every movie featuring Matt LeBlanc.
Andy and Larry Wachowski, meanwhile, will soon be tried as criminals. Although they have not yet been formally indicted, they are expected to argue that the series was already dead after the ponderous and confusing second movie, Matrix Reloaded, which would make it a perfectly legal second-trimester abortion.
But the brothers now have a powerful ally in their corner: the American Civil Liberties Union, which announced its intention to fight the new law in court. "This law was created as a 'stepping stone' by ultra-conservatives determined to ban all cinematic abortions," said ACLU spokesman Gerald Foster. "This will not only cripple the film industry, but it will also destroy every American's right to choose bad movies. And I think we can all agree, that is a right that all of us hold dear."
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