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October 21st, 2003
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I Guess I'll Have To Use My Body To Make It In The Computer Business |
By Dan Hoffman, Savvy Computer Programmer
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Dan Hoffman patiently explains why he has to use his body to get ahead |
I consider myself a pretty street-smart guy. I know the angles; I know what it takes to get ahead. Usually. But I have to admit that, up until now, I've been overlooking an obvious fact. I'm not going to make it in the computer industry using my technical skills, my charisma or my business acumen. I'm going to have to use my body.
It's the same problem that female pop stars have. It's not enough that they're talented musicians, or that they have a unique style and something interesting to say. After struggling for years to get noticed in a heartless industry, they finally realize that the secret to success is to pose for a racy magazine cover or make a sexually explicit video. Then, all of a sudden, they find they're hailed as musical geniuses.
Sadly, I've found that the computer industry works in much the same way. If you're a computer programmer, your boss doesn't care whether you can write efficient code or resolve bugs quickly. He cares whether you've got tight curves and the willingness to flaunt them.
Of course, he doesn't come out and say that in so many words. He pretends that he's interested only in your abilities and your productivity, just like record company executives pretend that they care about whether Britney Spears has musical talent or originality. But I can read between the lines. My "skills" won't be noticed until I start baring some skin.
Just look at what happened to Heather Croft, that young blonde woman in the office down the hall. Not too long ago, she and I were both "Level 1" Software Developers. Then she started showing up for work in these suggestive outfits. Her frumpy sweaters disappeared in favor of sexy tops that showed a tantalizing glimpse of cleavage. Blue jeans gave way to hip-hugging skirts; sneakers were replaced with high heels, or as I like to call them, FMP's. Next thing you know, she's a Project Manager.
Was Heather Croft promoted because she had better technical skills than I? Or because she was a more effective leader, or planner, or communicator? I think not! Obviously, she was promoted because she was showing off her knockout figure. She's learned how to play the game. And now I've learned, too.
I'm going to work up to it gradually. For starters, I'll leave a few extra buttons on my shirt unbuttoned, showing off just a hint of my muscular pectorals. Then I'll move up to midriff-baring half-shirt to display my rock-hard abs and pierced navel - it worked for Madonna, surely it'll work for me. Finally, if I am forced to do so, I'll start wearing low-riding jeans and unleash my secret weapon: the ass crack. That's sure to get me noticed.
Sure, people are going to stare. But they'll only be staring in wide-eyed admiration for someone who's got the guts to do what it takes. They may think I'm whoring myself, but in fact, I'm just exploring and celebrating my sexuality. Is there anything wrong with that?
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