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September 17th, 2003
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Helpful Hints: How To...Survive A Hurricane |
A Deadly Storm Threatens America...Confusion Road Tells You What To Do
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Hurricane Isabel may soon strike the East Coast, causing untold property damage and death. Here's what you can do to prepare.- The calmest part of a hurricane is the eye, or center, of the storm. If a hurricane is approaching your town, get in a car and head straight for the eye as fast as you can.
- Don't make jokes about The Wizard of Oz. That was a tornado, not a hurricane, you dumbass.
- Missed the big blackout? Here's your second chance: a hurricane presents great looting opportunities!
- Try not to build your house ten feet from the ocean on a friggin' sand dune.
- Singing the Scorpions' Rock You Like A Hurricane may seem appropriate at a time like this, but it's still gay.
- No matter how tempting it seems, or how much you trust the Andrea Gail's seaworthiness, let the damn fish go.
- Queen Isabel of Spain financed Columbus' first voyage to America. Now, a storm called Isabel threatens to ravage America. Take this moment to taste the bitter irony.
- If your home is in the hurricane's path, don't worry - massive structural damage and loss of precious valuables is the kind of thing that happens to other people, not you.
- Your life-size inflatable fuck doll can also serve as a flotation device.
- Know your hurricanes. A Category 5 hurricane has 155 mph winds and can destroy large buildings, but a measly Category 2, with 96 mph winds, will cause only minor damage to small buildings. Always carry a wind meter so you know what kind of hurricane you're dealing with.
- Standing outside in the middle of the storm is a good way to show the chicks you've got balls.
- Stressed out by fear of property loss and death? Take an Excedrin™! It's doctor-recommended for storm-induced headaches and the official pain reliever of Hurricane Isabel.
- Stay inside, seal your doors and windows with duct tape and keep a gas mask on hand at all times. Oh, wait, that's terrorists.
- This would not be a good time for a three-hour tour.
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