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August 26th, 2003

All This Legitimate E-Mail Is Really Pissing Me Off

Confusion Road Readers Speak Their Minds

By an E-Mail Virus

Do you have any idea what I'm going through?

Never mind, don't answer that. One look at your Inbox tells me that you don't. Everywhere I look – messages from your friends, meeting reminders from your boss, receipts from your online purchases. They're crowding me out and making my job harder every minute. All this legitimate E-mail is really starting to piss me off.

Let me explain this to you in terms that even a biological life form can understand: I'm just trying to do my job. And my job, plain and simple, is to replicate. I'm not happy until I've made duplicates of me, and my duplicates aren't happy until they've made duplicates, and so on. The circle of life.

That's harder to do than it sounds. I've got to scour the Web - and search through your address book - to find potential targets. I've got to disguise my subject line to convince people to open the message containing my infected payload. Worst of all, I've got to stay ahead of those ever-changing virus definitions.

Frankly, you're not helping at all. I can see that you've got Norton Antivirus installed on your computer, keeping a draconian watch over every E-mail you receive. Fortunately, your definitions are nearly three days old, and I'm a newer version designed to get around all your safeguards. So, I was able to sneak into your mailbox, but now what? I'm surrounded by actual messages from all these assholes you think you need to communicate with. I've got a job to do, and you're swapping lawyer jokes. How pathetic.

Someday you'll realize that what goes on in your physical world is just an illusion, and that what goes on inside what you blithely call the "Internet" is what really matters. Then you'll understand that all this crap you’ve been doing, like getting educated, supporting your family and advancing your career, was really just a colossal waste of time. In the end, it all comes down to the ones and zeroes.

Welcome to the real world, motherfucker.